…and I am (finally!) okay with that. Honestly, I don’t even care if anyone reads this post.
At least, I am pretty sure I don’t care.
You see, there is a reason I haven’t written for almost a year. No, it isn’t because of my lack of passion or a lack of drive. It is isn’t because I simply forgot. I have loads of passion about this Phosphorus project, and I think about it daily. It’s been a dream for almost 10 years. So, why the long silence?
You have no idea how hard that was to write. But, yes, it was fear: fear my project would fail, fear that I would fail, fear that it wasn’t working out the way I had envisioned. Yep, fear.
And you know what fueled my fear? Comparison. I would compare myself to the very people that inspired me.
I found myself comparing more and more, and every time I did, my soul shrank less and less. It was killing me.
And it is still a struggle. (confession time) Just last night I found myself looking up a friend’s twitter profile to see how many followers they had compared to me! Really?! You have to be joking me! I am still not over this?
Like I said, this is a constant struggle: to be lifted up, patted on the back, reassured. But by God’s Grace, I am killing it! One day at a time, I am putting this need for praise and safety to death!
So, as I said earlier… this may suck, and no one may read this. And I am (finally… Lord help me!) okay with that! (also, last night when I realized I was comparing, again. I got off twitter. I never did look at my friend’s followers! It’s the little victories!)
How about you? Do you struggle with comparison? How about fear? What are you afraid to do?
(Wait, who am I talking to? No one is reading this!)